so far, the best texts from my birthday are:

From Jasmine, a picture of me and my boyfriend…

Texting with mom…

Texting with dad…

Texting with my boss…

Texting with JC…

I wonder if our children will have my hazel eyes or his illiteracy…

so…I just killed a mosquito on some paperwork. I wonder if anyone will notice…

or get West Nile Virus…

Yeah, but like, what are the Gosselins doing NOW?

The way that old man said “BLACK coffee” convinced me that he is racist.

How do I vote for Hillary Clinton to cut her hair?

I am making a pros and cons list about whether or not I should participate in the office group Halloween costume idea that was presented to me today.

When someone with questionable fashion taste compliments something that you’re wearing…

When I see that your dating profile says that you’re into rollerblading, I immediately check to see that I’m searching the straight profiles.

(I’M SORRY.)

(sort of)

Making eye-contact with a stranger while eating ice cream counts as legitimate rape, right?