graphophobia

a bunch of people told me i should start a blog because they thought my facebook updates were funny. so instead of updating facebook i'm writing in this here blog instead. thrilling, no?

bush.

Guys, what’s a nice way to tell my mom that I think her bush is overgrown? 

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dreamboat.

So I got this message on OkCupid:

And I was totally compelled to write back!

Hopefully we’ll be setting the date ASAP. I’m not letting this dream boat get away from me.

Also, I blacked out his website, but I decided to tell you what it is anyway, http://www.WHOTHEFUCKINCLUDESHTTPANYMORE.com/films

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tool.

On a scale of 1 to “dead baby jokes”, how mean would it be to respond with “why go to Camden to see a tool when I can just look at your profile?”

Also, is it better or worse if after that I add a “BOOM!”

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dating.

Sometimes in the “Single Life Losers Club” we ask for dating advice.

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mature.

Hey everyone, I just wanted you to know that today I had a customer with the last name “Craparotta” and I didn’t even laugh in her face. Looks like I’m all grown up!

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spam.

I’m starting to notice a theme with the spam email that I receive.

My dick is gonna be HUUUUUUUGE!

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iPhone.

Dear iPhone,

“Missed call”? More like IGNORED CALL.

BOOM,

Tammi Mean

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boyfriend.

It doesn’t matter how much your cat pees on your boyfriend. He’s still going to dump you.

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adam.

Just got this message on OkCupid:

I am 99.9% sure that this is spam, but what if it isn’t? I love money and I WOULD want some.

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breastfeeding.

Well, I just found out the most disturbing news ever. Apparently when I was a baby, I was home with my dad and I was flipping out. Our neighbor came over and offered to help calm me down. She took me upstairs and breast fed me. Without anyone’s permission.

My mom thought I was mature enough to know about this. Pffftt. Boy, was she wrong!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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